Don O’Briant
Cox News Service

Getting married these days is not as simple as saying "I do."

By the time Lindsey Dixon and James McGreger walk down the aisle in August, they will have answered hundreds of probing questions about personality traits, attitudes and strengths and weaknesses:

Questions like, "Household tasks will be equally shared by us." Yes or no. "My partner has some personality characteristics or habits I do not like." Yes or no.

The premarital counseling and questionnaires are not by themselves unusual. But to get the real scoop on wedded bliss, Dixon and McGreger also are meeting with marriage mentors - a couple who can offer them the wisdom of their experience and show them how to avoid the pitfalls and potholes of matrimony.

It’s no shock to the couple to hear that men and women don’t think alike. But they’ve since learned from their mentors, Scott and Ruta Reynolds, that something as simple as the tone of voice can fuel resentment.

"We’ve only met with our mentors three or four times, but each time I learn more about the male species and how they relate to women," says Dixon, 21. "Men are more compartmentalized; they tend to focus on one thing at a time. I can think about three things at once."

Her fiance has learned just as much about what men do that annoys women.

"If I’m driving and she asks me what I’m thinking, I’m really not thinking about anything except driving. She had a hard time understanding that," says McGreger, 25.

As the June wedding season approaches, many couples are partaking of traditional premarital counseling. But more and more, like Dixon and McGreger, also are meeting with mentors in addition to their pastors and priests.

The practice has been around for years in churches and is slowly gaining momentum, said Michael J. McManus, founder of Marriage Savers in Potomac, Md.

The interdenominational ministry prepares couples for their lives together, strengthens existing marriages and restores troubled ones.

"When we began training couples in our church in 1992, we were one of the first in the country to do that. Since then, we have trained 1,500 couples across the country. And the people we’ve trained have trained others," McManus said.

Thousands of churches are now using mentoring programs, said Fred Reyes of Lifeway Christian Resources, a Nashville organization that provides a number of services to churches, including coordinating marriage enrichment events.

"This is definitely a trend that’s growing all over the country," Reyes says.

Going secular

And that trend is getting secular, thanks to Atlanta author Julie Rainbow. She interviewed 20 African-American couples about their secrets to a long and happy marriage for a book called "Standing the Test of Time."

The experience convinced her that young couples not involved in a church would be interested in mentoring, either face to face or online at www.standingthetestoftime.com.

"Many of the church mentors approach problems from a traditional viewpoint and may not deal with some of the more contemporary issues," says Rainbow, 42.

Mentors can be an impartial sounding board. Usually the mentors and soon-to-be-wed couples meet for six sessions to discuss questions on the premarital quiz. At First Baptist Church of Atlanta, Pat Higginbotham recruits mentors from church members who have been married at least five years.

"We don’t expect them to have perfect marriages," she says. "We want normal couples who have worked through issues and who are still growing."

While marriage mentoring is mostly for newlyweds, it is also used in other cases.

Jeffrey and Lisa Brathwaite have been married two years but agreed to participate in Rainbow’s network.

"I’m looking forward to having someone experienced that I can talk with," says Lisa Brathwaite. "You have mentors in your professional and business life, why not have them in your personal life?"

They’ve already learned how seemingly insignificant habits can lead to problems.

Jeffrey Brathwaite, 35, was a night owl when he married Lisa, 31. He would stay up until 2 a.m. to watch "Sports Center" while his wife went to bed around 10.

"We had to make some adjustments," says Brathwaite. "Now I go to bed after the 11 p.m. ‘Sports Center’ and Lisa stays up a little later."

They already have met with some of Rainbow’s couples and are looking forward to being mentored by Vivian and Louis Williams, an Atlanta couple who have been married for 60 years.

"We want to have someone who can be a role model, someone you can ask about things who have been there and done that," Brathwaite says.

"This is my second marriage, and I did not know how to be a good husband the first time around. I didn’t have a real good role model. My dad was a great father, but he was not a great husband."

One lesson Brathwaite learned from his first marriage was to avoid involving in-laws in discussions about marital problems.

When that marriage began to fall apart because of finances and other reasons, he felt that her family did not help matters.

"Lisa and I have agreed that we are going to keep our relationship to ourselves and not share everything with our parents," he says. "Sometimes family interference can hurt a marriage."

Dealing with in-laws

In-laws, in fact, may be one major problem that couples deal with - deciding whose family to visit during the holidays and how much time to spend with each family.

"We talk about the biblical principle of leaving and cleaving," says Scott Reynolds, 51.

"Once a husband and wife are married, they leave their family of origin. Families are supposed to allow their children to leave, but sometimes that’s difficult. This is something couples haven’t thought of and need to be aware of before it comed up after they’re married."

The differences between men and women is another fertile topic.

Often the husband expects his wife to think like a man, Scott Reynolds says, because that’s the way he thinks.

"Once you understand the differences, you can avoid a lot of pitfalls," he says. "These are things we’ve learned from experience."

Failure to communicate also poses a major hazard.

"We teach them how to listen and how to be realistic and not view marriage through rose-colored glasses," says Ruta Reynolds, 43.

Tim Gunter, 49, who has trained mentors at New Hope Baptist Church in Fayetteville, Ga. and First Baptist Church of Atlanta, says most couples have an idealized view of marriage.

The problem arises when the husband’s and wife’s views clash.

"We try to bring out these differences in premarital counseling and show them how to handle them," Gunter says. "Many times, differences can draw the couple closer together."

The biggest mistake

Some differences are simply too great to overcome, McManus of Marriage Savers said.

He recalls talking to a 41-year-old man who was marrying a 40-year-old woman and they had never discussed the issue of having children.

"She wanted them and he didn’t. This was a situation where there was no possibility of a compromise, and they broke the engagement."

Like other mentors, McManus believes that one of the biggest mistakes a couple can make is to think they’re going to be able to change their mate’s behavior once they’re married.

"One thing I always ask the couples," McManus says, "is, ‘can you live with this behavior for 40 years if they don’t change?’ If they can’t, the marriage isn’t going to work."

But trying to change each other is something Dixon and McGreger don’t intend to do, thanks to their premarital counseling sessions.

"One of the things we’ve learned in talking with our mentors is to see things from the other person’s perspective," Dixon says. "It’s brought us closer together."